Image: Alice Byrnes, Cheney Suthers Lawyers. Credit: Kirsten Cunningham Photography
As a family lawyer, I’ve seen it all —messy property and financial disputes and parenting battles that make reality TV look tame, and text messages that should never have seen the light of day. So, if you ever find yourself in a family law situation, here are a few things I would NEVER do… and trust me, you shouldn’t either.
1. Never text my ex a novel at 2AM
No one ever won a legal argument with “AND JUST ONE MORE THING …” followed by 23 unread messages. Berger’s succinct Post-It note to Carrie in Sex and the City will suffice:
“I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me”. Write it to yourself, burn it, then move on. Turn your phone off.
2. Never write, post, record, video anything I do not want a Judge to read out aloud in a Court room
This one can be very embarrassing. And if a Judge has the time and a sense of humour, he or she will make sure to read it out onto the record if a party’s barrister or solicitor hasn’t. This includes abusive emoji text messages – I once had a page read out of just the middle finger emojis my client had texted their ex. Do not rename your ex-spouse in your phone contacts an unpleasant name, eg “Mr Shart”, “Turkey” “💩”, “Probably Spam,”, “Was-band”, “No-Ring Norris”, “Bag of Dicks” or “Baby Daddy”. This will also be picked up in documents and will reflect poorly on you.
3. Never neglect my superannuation interests in my own name. There are significant long-term impacts for retirement if you neglect your superannuation
Get advice from your superannuation fund’s financial advisors about your investment portfolio. Push for superannuation to be paid during parental leave – this Albanese Government policy is supposed to start from 1 July 2025. Explore splitting your spouse’s before-tax (concessional) superannuation contributions so a portion goes into your balance while you are on parental leave.
4. Never not have your own bank account and emergency credit card in your sole name
Financial independence is key for women. Life is unpredictable and having your own financial foundation means you’re prepared. Relying solely on a partner (or anyone else for that matter) for money can put you in a vulnerable position if your circumstances change. And sadly, financial control is a common form of abuse. If someone controls all the money, they control the relationship. Financial independence ensures you always have an exit strategy if you need one.
No one should stay in a bad relationship, job, or situation just because they can’t afford to leave. Financial independence ensures that staying is always a choice, not a necessity.
5. Never not know the financial position of all assets and liabilities
Bottom line? Love is great, but blind trust in finances isn’t. You don’t have to be the CFO of your relationship, but you do need to know where the money is, where it’s going, and what you’re responsible for. Importantly, know if a real property is in your name or not. Because financial clarity = financial power.
6. Never sign a document like a mortgage, company financial reports, resignation of a director or shareholder without informing myself what the document is about
Unless you’re into regret or getting into plot twists you can’t undo, do not sign a document without reading and understanding what it is you are signing. You could be signing away your house, your farm, your retirement or your right to see your dog on the weekends. Always speak to a family lawyer, an accountant or financial counsellor.
7. Never name my child an obscene or offensive name
Offensive names like “Dickhead”, “Sperm Donor”, “Blank Space”, “Spinach”, “Ranga”, “Chainsaw”, 4“Tula Does the Hula from Hawaii”, “Scrotum” or “BusStop69” may land you in Court and your parental capacity and decision making questioned.
8. Never represent myself in Court
There is a solid reason we lawyers also hire lawyers. The old adage, “The person who represents themselves has a fool for a client,” could not be truer. You have no objective perspective. Even if you are financially disadvantaged, there are grants available for legal representation through Legal Aid NSW or private family law funders, like JustFund.
And get advice early before you separate. Do not wait two and half years to get legal advice after separation. You will be super disappointed to find out if you’ve missed the boat to do anything if you’ve missed a limitation period.
9. Never let my friends give me legal advice
“My cousin’s neighbour’s sister’s brother-in-law got full custody by writing a letter to the judge” is not legal precedent. We also don’t use the word “custody” in family law for decades and we most certainly never write a letter to a judge unless we want to be pulled in front of the legal services commissioner. Trust and follow your family lawyer’s advice – if you don’t like the advice you are being given, first consider why and then consider whether it’s appropriate to seek a second opinion.
10. Never forget about prenups because “We’re in Love”
Love is grand, but so is financial security. A prenup or Financial Agreement in Australian family law is like an umbrella – you hope for sunshine, but if a storm rolls in, you wont be left soaking wet. If you are bringing into the relationship assets such as significant cash, real estate, a business, shares or cryptocurrency, why would you want to pay a family lawyer to argue in Court over these assets one day? A Financial Agreement is not about expecting the worst; it’s about being prepared so that if things don’t go as planned, you can both walk away dry, dignified, and without unnecessary Court drama.
Alice Byrnes is an Accredited Specialist in Family Law and co-owner of Cheney Suthers Lawyers.
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